


Because I Lost Sight Of You

by Chechilia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Confessions, M/M, Mention of Child Abuse, church, mention of illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 14:38:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10664730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chechilia/pseuds/Chechilia
Summary: Arthur lost sight of his God when he met Merlin - when he fell in love with a man.But Merlin has fallen ill, and Arthur prays.





	Because I Lost Sight Of You

" Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. "

Arthur's voice is loud in the silence of the church. Kneeling in front of the altar, he keeps his head low, for the statues of marble not to see the tears streaking down his cheeks.

For God to see them is enough.

***

" It's been three years since my last confession. "

It's been three years since he met Merlin.

For that, he is not ashamed nor proud. Staying would have been an offense he hadn't been willing to commit.

It all seems so weak now.

***

" I met someone " he says, voice soft.

The church is empty. There's no one to hear his plead, except maybe the God he betrayed.

The God he never betrayed - for it isn't his father's but his.

***

" It's a man and I fell for him. "

A wave of hopelessness strangle his throat. He can't get enough air.

It's been weeks since he last breathed.

***

" He was everything I could have hoped for and I love him. "

He presses his blemished hands on the ground, bows his spine. Not out of respect but of terror.

" We became close to each other " he states. " Emotionally, yes. "

He swallows the tears that cannot fall.

" But physically as well. "

His head shakes, self-deprecatingly. He doesn't pray for forgiveness.

***

" He showed me how to love. He showed me how to make love, too, and I never expected it possible to be this close to someone, closer than to you. "

A bit, and then :

" I think I love him more than I love you. "

And he prays for his God to listen, for he cannot fathom being punished for something as genuine as love. As pure.

***

" Despite what my father wanted me to believe - what he never said but wanted me to think - I know you are not a cruel God. "

His chest heaves with sobs.

" I do believe that you are not punishing me for my sins or his, and that's why I 'm here now. "

***

He remembers well his first confession, his father hovering over his back, hitting him with a whip as he cried, thrown on his knees in front of a faceless God for having stated he wanted to marry a man.

He'd been five at the time, and he never forgot.

***

" I cannot save him " he whispers.

And then, louder, he adds :

" The physicians cannot save him, they told me. He fell ill weeks ago, and I saw him earlier, and he's so pale..."

His body begins shaking.

***

" I think I'm losing him " he murmurs, pale, broken.

He falters, tries to breathe, struggles to finish.

" And that is why I came here, to pray for you to save him. There's nothing else I can do, and I mean no offense, for the love I found in him is greater than my father wanted me to believe possible, greater than my love for you, for I find you in his every smile and I know you're the one who sent him to me. "

***

He raises his head then, held proud despite the tremors running through his body.

" And if you truly are the God my father made me despise, I'm begging you to show mercy, and take me in his place. "

***

He closes his eyes and murmurs a prayer, hands clasped together.

Then he raises and walks away, without looking back, leaving on the altar a candle, the single flame his only promise.


End file.
